2015; what I made of it

You probably already know. Your life is what you make of it. 
So it’s now 2016. 1st January. I’m writing this at 4 a.m. because.. I can’t sleep (to cut it short). As everyone does, I look back at 2015 to see what I’ve done, what I’ve become, what I’ve learned, And frankly, I can’t recall anything other than yesterday, Yeah, maybe a few moments I can faintly play back but really not much at all. I just can’t do those things. That’s why I can never write an autobiography.

So I think. Just so I can write a blog post about it. Or have something to say when people ask how was 2015? or something along those lines. And I realise (I think, believe, this is what I realised/ learnt) that I lacked. So much.
I lacked in all sense. Everything I believed about myself and everything other people believed about me were supported so poorly. All the strengths I believed I had were actually so.. damn pathetic. (I really don’t like using the word pathetic because it’s such a hopeless word, but it’ll have to do) Really. I feel like suddenly I just realised that everything I felt confident about or believed I could do were constructed of nothing very substantial.

I’m not so sure if you get me. I’m not very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts the way I really feel and think them. I hope it resonated with you in the slightest way. I’m aware that it isn’t such a great thing to be resonating to but I think the moment of being able to relate to someone’s writing is really.. moving in a way. Like when you hear a song with lyrics that seem to be exactly what you’ve been feeling.

I’ve decided not to do New Year Resolutions because of a couple of reasons, including making too many when I do, not being able to achieve most of them, and the questionable significance we place on new years instead of striving to better ourselves every given moment which Sjana wrote a more well-written post on here. But I thought having something to live by might still guide me in a way so I thought about the things I wanted more of in 2016. And I summed everything up in 2.

  1. To love more, to love easily
  2. To work hard in all I do

That’s it! What I truly truly want to do. Working hard, perseverance, persistence, has always been difficult for me. I was way too lazy. I was the opposite of the ‘if I put my mind to it, I can achieve anything!’ kind of person. Hah, I noticed I used ‘was’ but I still am. So that’s something I really want to work on.

It’s 2016/1/1 and I really wonder how different I am from 2015/1/1.
God, 2016.

p.s. I’m working on a book favourites post. Might take longer than I expect it to.
Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

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