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View from my veranda during sunset. It was raining as well.

This is the only photo that came out nice from my most recent roll of film. It was a little upsetting because it was the first roll I took with my manual film camera that I got off Carousell. Also, I was using Superia 400 for the first time instead of my usual Superia 200 (it’s like a few bucks more expensive). So I was really excited to see how the photos would develop. But half of the roll was exposed, and what was left wasn’t that great either. I was so bummed. But this one came out really nice. I think it captured the feeling, the warmness of a golden hour, with the wet tennis courts with the slight reflections (!!) really well. I graduated a few weeks ago and my friends are starting to leave Kuching permanently. I still have the rest of the year left here but I know I have to slowly say good bye to all my friends, and to Kuching as well. So I want to take loads of photos of Kuching, the places that we used to go, and of my friends. Leaving is so exciting and good byes are so sad. Everything feels nostalgic these days.

on a side note: film photography as a hobby is so fucking expensive. especially if you fuck up your roll like me this time round. i paid rm 26 for the roll, paid another rm 20 to develop and scan. got ONE photo. that photo up there was worth rm 46 fml. course, if you don’t fuck it up and take 36 perfect photos it’s all worth the money. seriously, the excitement and the butterflies i feel while i wait for my photos to be developed and scanned…. makes me realise this is what it means to do something you love. it’s just so fucking exciting to wait for your pictures. and i feel so so proud and happy when i take a good one. but doesn’t mean that i want it as a career though.  like i think it’ll be the perfect stress release(?) for my future stresses(?). idk i think i’m really lucky to have found something that i genuinely enjoy that can be completely disconnected with whatever i study/work. i feel like it’ll play a very big role in keeping me alive. 

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so this is what stress is…. I feel it now. All these while when my skin got really bad near exams, my friends would say that it was because I was stressed but I was never really stressed about exams like I’d complain about it but never really felt stressed. So I just assumed that was stress. Lol, nope. This is stress.

I was digging through my endless dump of drafts that I never finish up on, and I found this! Just a few nights ago, we celebrated Julie’s birthday (& becca’s for this year) at Sanga, the Japanese restaurant, and it was the exact same people and I laughed so much just like last year. Honestly, it’s always so much fun with this bunch of people. Anyway, below is what I wrote last year, it’s unedited, not really finished, but whatever.  And there were many more photos but I don’t know where they are & I’m not really working very hard on this so it’s all right I guess.


March is one tough month for my wallet. Every year. I have 4 friends with birthdays in March, and my mum’s birthday is in March as well. I am someone who really enjoys picking out gifts for loved ones, and giving them. But my wallet doesn’t really enjoy it as much. It is the month where I try to restrain from ordering another Milo Peng Kao. Where I try not to think of ice cream in school. Where I try to pack lunch from home. Where I try to opt for the RM 5 Heng Hua mee than the RM 6 Heng Hua mee. I realise that my efforts are all related to cutting down money spent on food. That’s the truth about where students spend their money!! We don’t spend it on makeup or textbooks or shoes. They all leak to food.

We had a dinner to celebrate Julie’s 17th birthday on Friday night, and honestly whenever we meet up to celebrate a birthday, it just goes on like any other night. We don’t have the birthday girl on our mind every moment, or try to be nicer to the birthday girl (maybe a tiny bit more), we just talk and just generally have fun like any other night. We went to the Cosmos pizza place, where the 2nd floor had a wide glass wall with a really nice view of the sky. Then we moved to SUKHA and stayed there for a long time. I remember laughing  a lot there. And we parted at Secret Recipe where we got some cakes.

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It was a lovelier night because Lydia could join us and she was going back to KL for 3 months 2 days later. I’m really going to miss her.

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SUKHA has colouring pages and colour pencils for people to use freely if they want. And you can also stick them up on a board on the wall. The top photo is of the drawings me and Lydia drew of the rest on the back of the colouring page.


And it ended here.

The food at Sanga was really good. Or maybe we were all just really hungry, because we were. It was some parade day and there were these parades (sort of) going around and it was so so jammed. We were supposed to meet at 7 p.m. lmao, we all got together about 8.30 p.m.? Ate all the sushi I wanted to, and was a very happy girl. Even when I got home I reflected back on the food and just continued smiling. I even forgot about the picture of someone infected with flesh eating bacteria after eating raw fish, that I saw on Twitter and vowed to stop eating sushi. & other than the food, I just felt so good and happy. I don’t know, I feel this comfort when I’m with my IG people. And it gets a lot easier to feel anything. gah I loved them then. (not in past tense in any way negative) I’m so glad to have the friends I have. 

It takes very long for me to get comfortable with someone. And until I do, I really can’t open up very much. Opening up seems like the wrong phrase but I mean, I don’t really get personal, even with the people I am comfortable with. And by personal I mean, speaking of the thoughts I have. Because most of the times I just don’t feel the need to? Like I’ve already thought it, there isn’t any reason to speak it out. Unless I have to make a point or something like that. Like why would I suddenly blurt out what I’ve been thinking? Unless I am searching for validation, or advice e.t.c. ( which is rare) But I feel that, that makes it a lot harder for you to get okay with people. I have friends who ‘open up’ easily, and they get along very well with people. I don’t know, maybe it isn’t getting along that I’m looking for. I don’t know. I find the process of getting to know someone, somewhat tedious. Yes, it is interesting and exciting and fascinating to get to know someone new. But most times, I feel that they don’t live up to my expectations. Like I get excited because they seem very interesting, and I take the time to slowly but with effort, spill parts of myself so they’d get to know me as well. But after all that, they aren’t as interesting as I thought. I know, it’s not their fault, if there is a fault even, I guess it’d be me forming my own expectations of people I don’t know. But that’s not something I can help with. It’s not like I’m that interesting as well, but I can’t help just feeling like I found nothing. And that’s why it’s tedious. And repetitive. Because when I spill the parts of me to all these people, I repeat showing them the same person you know? (because surprise surprise I’m the same person?) and I end up having to do the same with the next person. Of course you don’t have to force yourself to show who you are, most times you just give off the kind of person you are. But there are things you do have to say, for example, the black middle part of a sunflower scares me very much & that I have very conflicting thoughts and they make me very tired & that I rarely care about what others think about me, but that I do sometimes, when you probably don’t. small things like this. And when I do want to tell people these small details, I almost feel like I’m following a script. Same details to different people. So repetitive. I imagine dating & having to say the same things, albeit it may be different feelings, terrifying.

It’s not that I don’t like making new friends. I do! And I am quite friendly at that. And I get along with people quite all right, I think it’s largely because I really don’t do that judgemental shit because to be frank, I don’t give a fuck and I don’t understand why some people do. But I feel like I cannot connect to someone on a deeper level. I feel like I only skim the surface of people. And that’s just really.. scary, and utterly boring. I don’t know (I aspire to write, say things, without having to say I don’t know after every thought). The reason I don’t like saying what I think on things that matter is because I barely know what I’m thinking and I’d hate to express myself wrongly and get people to think that I think in a certain way when I do not. I don’t care if you think my outfit sucks, or that I.. whatever but I can’t bare to think of someone misunderstanding my thoughts. And how can you say anything if you think like this! It’s so terrible, really. Poor line of thinking, sort of. I have to start expressing myself even though it may come off the wrong way to different people, and I’ve got to learn to not let that matter.

This makes me feel so vulnerable. Like wearing something very revealing. I don’t know. (eek, again!) I don’t know why I wrote this, I don’t know maybe someone feels this way too. Or just completely understanding what I wrote, like completely completely, and not understanding something in a way I did not mean, would feel so great. No need for sympathy you know, just empathy. Like you don’t have to relate to me but just to completely feel what I’m trying to say, would be… so cool. I’m so nervous to post this. fuck it.

 

shoot. 

Today my friends found out about my blog. Actually Michelle saw it a few days earlier, through my Tumblr. At first I felt very embarrassed for some reason. It was never meant to be a “secret blog” or anything like that but I don’t know, it’s been a place I’ve been posting words or pictures for fun without having anyone really seeing it for quite awhile so it feels different now. Lol I hope what I’ll post from now on would not be different from what I would have posted if none of my friends saw my blog. Heh, so cheers to that!

Hello guys, if you’re reading this. I love you! lol

today in Biology class;

(these photos, just because, I thought they looked pretty, and I don’t like writing a post without a picture)

Bye!